My Bloody Valentine (1981 & 2009) review

3D Valentine Can’t Top Canadian Original

Leading up to the premiere of My Bloody Valentine 3D, I thought it would be a good idea to check out the original 1981 version of the film so I could compare the two. I went old school and rented ’81 Valentine on VHS. Because I’ve never had a fondness for Canadian productions as they often have painfully low production value (with the exception of David Cronenberg movies), I didn’t expect much from this Nova Scotia – set slasher. I was thus thoroughly surprised that I enjoyed it so much.

A really great set up, Valentine centers on the story of deranged killer Harry Warden come to get his vengeance on the titular holiday. It was on that day many years ago that he was the victim of a mining accident at the hands of the careless foremen who were in a rush to get to the annual party. Warden kills the foremen the following year and sends their actual hearts in a heart-shaped box of candy to the party, along with a warning never to hold a Valentine’s day party ever again (written, of course, in roses-are-red poetry style).

So, in typical horror movie fashion, the town elders decide a couple of decades later to hold the party on the basis that enough time has passed and that Warden is supposed to be locked up in an asylum. But guess what, the killings start again and people begin to find more than pecan creams in their candy boxes. All the while, there’s a running subplot about a rivalry between two of the miners over a girl that isn’t terribly consequential. It all climaxes when the town’s youth decide to hold their own party at the mine itself (as if having a party at a mine is only dangerous for the possibility of a killer showing up).

The killer, dressed up in a miner outfit complete with gas mask, is genuinely creepy and uses a pick axe as his weapon of choice. As far as slashers go, he’s frankly right up there with the heavy weights (and is definitely more interesting than Mr. Voorhees).

The ‘81 Valentine is really a charming little horror movie. The constant appearance of Moose Head beer is kind of like a running joke that keeps reminding you you’re watching a Canadian horror movie, even more so than the maritime accents (a Newfoundland-set horror movie would have been too ridiculous). Apparently, a bunch of the movie’s original gore was cut out by the censors, but there’s still a few cool death scenes. (Ed Note: The uncut version will be released on DVD next Tuesday, the 20th of January, 2009)

I doubt that any of the gore was cut from the remake as it’s pretty much all the movie has to offer. Removed from its Canadian setting, Valentine 3D really has none of the charm of its predecessor. The plot is really only similar in the sense that there’s still the mining aspect and, of course, the whole Valentine’s day thing. The party is cut out and, truth be told, I’m not sure if they ever actually make it to the big day itself (unless I’m mistaken, this is kind of a big oversight).

Killings abound and it seems like someone took a long time to think of a dozen different ways to kill a person with a pick axe (and a shovel in one instance ripped off from Day of the Dead).

The 3D gimmick is kind of neat but, as in every other 3D movie, isn’t used to its full advantage and is really only noticeable in a few instances which were obviously written into the movie specifically to take advantage of the technology. Case in point, one of the best 3D bits comes early in the movie when a character spits out his beer, which appears to hit the audience. While the whole 3D thing is fun, it almost guarantees that the movie won’t have any kind of staying power as it likely won’t be possible to get the 3D effect when the movie comes out on DVD.

Unfortunately, it seems that more attention was paid to this gimmick then any other aspect of the film. Granted, I wasn’t expecting writing and acting on par with The Godfather or anything, but there are some laughably bad scenes in this movie (laughter could literally be heard in the theatre.) Valentine 3D also features one of the single most gratuitous nude scenes I’ve ever seen in a horror movie. Following a romp in a motel room, the woman angrily chases after her man when she discovers that he has been filming the whole thing. She chases him into the parking lot, he gets murdered by the killer, she runs back into the motel, hides under the bed, is found by the killer, tries to protect herself from the killer using a bed frame and is ultimately killed. The whole sequence lasts about five minutes – and she’s stark naked the whole time. As if that scene couldn’t have gotten any more ludicrous, a dwarf is also brutally slaughtered right before the exhibitionist buys it. Seriously.

Following its predecessor, Valentine 3D also has a surprise reveal at the end and I won’t spoil it here, but it is by no means satisfying, and makes little sense. All in all, My Bloody Valentine 3D just doesn’t have the heart of the original (pun fully intended).

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